This morning I woke up happy and ready to face the day. I jumped up, took my dog out and cooked breakfast. As I ate, I turned on the TV while I checked emails and caught up with Facebook. Suddenly my heart sped up and my breath came out in pants. Something was wrong. Something was about to happen, and I couldn't stop whatever it was. My hands started to shake and I got up to pace around my living room.
The phone rang, and I let it go to voicemail as my mind raced with all kinds of negative scenarios. Did something happen to my mom? My brothers? Or was my job calling to fire me? I started pacing again.
The phone rang again and this time I picked it up, it was my mother. I let out a breath and sat back on the couch and talked to her. We talked for ten minuets and after we hung up I was calmer and was able to watch TV and talk to some of my friends on messenger.
They don't happen the same way with everyone but for me I can feel it coming and it's like a runaway train. I try to tell myself everything is fine. I call and make sure my family is fine. I even call friends to talk but as soon as it's quiet - BOOM. My body is in flight or fight and there's nothing I can do but try and wait it out.
Unfortunately, my attacks are usually followed by depression or anger, I never know which one. Depression for me is easier as I just end up lying around and watching endless TV. Yes, I get nothing done but at least I don't have anxiety after that. This week I had anger follow my attack, and it made for a very hard week at work.
If someone talked to me, I would be angry. If someone smiled at me, I would be angry. If a co-worker asked me if I would help them, I would be angry. To explain my anger is hard because it's almost like something living in me. When it wakes up, I feel different as if something is crawling up through me. I hate it. I can't control it and some days I wish I could take something and just end the cycle.
But I know tomorrow will be better. I will wake up, take my dog out and hopefully not feel the weight of the world.