If someone would have told me that I would be sitting in a one bedroom, in the middle of the desert, broken and alone at 36, I would have called them a liar. By 36 I was going to have three children, a successful buisness, a loving husband and money in the bank. I was going to travel to new places and see the world.
Instead I find myself watching as my friends and acquaintances live the life I dreamed of.
They have businesses they own, children, homes, husbands and many travel. They tell me my time will come. That one day I will look back on this time and remember if for what it was, a stepping block.
Today as a slept in a nice legal drug dose I realized something, I'm done trying. I'm done trying to make rent on a part-time job. I'm done smiling and pretending things will get better. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of waking up everyday knowing the four hours I have to work isn't going to pay for anything.
It's two weeks until rent is due. My car is about to be repossessed. My creditors have actually stopped calling. And I sit alone in my apartment.
This time around I spun a dud and I'm ready to move on. There's nothing else here for me. No amount of trying is going to work. I wonder what's going to happen the next spin. Fingers crossed.